A year gone

Both my kids were up at the crack of dawn because of pee.  One had soaked through his diaper and the other needed out of his diaper so he could go on the potty. Did I all ready say it was at the crack of dawn?  Cooper also woke up at 12:30 because his stomach was all different colors and his leg was spicy…??….  What kind of dream he was having I don’t know but he was quite serious about it.

This afternoon we are going to the cemetary and will be each letting go of a blue balloon.  Today hasn’t been what I thought it was going to be like.  I’m sure this afternoon will be hard but I’ve had harder days in dealing with losing my dad.  I feel that losing a loved one isn’t the hardest part, it’s living without them that is.  And you never really know when a hard day is going to hit because they can fly out of no where and hit you smack dab in the  middle of your chest. I expected today to be a hard day and maybe that’s why it’s not- because I expected it. 

The one big wave that I come across in this ocean of grief, that sometimes feel to scary to face is my own mortality.  I never really thought much about it before losing my dad (as you really shouldn’t because it’s no way to live really). But you see, my dad died of a brain annuerism. No one in his family has made it passed 56. He always said he didn’t think he’d make it to retirement and he was right.  The brain surgeon he had really tried to drive it home to my sister and I about going for MRI’s because this is genetic and annuerisms aren’t selective of the age of people they take. In fact, the day of my dad’s viewing, there was another viewing for a girl that was 20 who had also died of a brain anneurism.  That struck a little close to home.  I went for an MRI about  a month later and everything then was fine at that time.  I just had my physical this morning in which we talked about when my next MRI should be. 

Here’s the big debate….  would you want to know?  Knowing that if you have one and depending on where it is, it might not be fixable and just as lethal? 

Reflecting

This post is from my old blog. It was interesting reading it all again. I forgot that I had posted even after my dad died so I got some perspective into those fuzzy days.

–On writing about February 28, 2007: 

Anyway, to finish the events of my dad’s passing:  They pulled the breathing tube out around 9pm Tuesday night.  He was still breathing on his own, the tube was just assisting in keeping his airway open and giving him extra oxygen.  Now the waiting began.  They couldn’t tell us how long it was going to take for his body to give out. Everyone is different and aside from the brain injury my dad was in perfect health. No heart problems, diabetes, blood pressure, cholesterol- everything was perfect. At 10pm we decided to go get something to eat as we hadn’t since earlier inthe afternoon and go back to the hotel room and try to get some sleep. If this was going to take days, we needed sleep. We got back to the room with McDonald’s in hand. I jumped in the shower right away. Hospitals make me feel dirty and so did Wondsor itself.  I then ate my dinner and my sister got in the shower.  We then got the call from my dad’s nurse saying we’d better come in, his stats were starting to drop.  I can’t really describe what it’s like getting ready to go the hospital to see my dad pass away.  We drove there immediately. Thankfully the hotel was literally 5 minutes door to door from the hotel. My heart was pounding harder and harder the closer we got.  We walked into his room and all of his stats had stabilized. We decided not to leave the hospital at that point as it would be too much to go back and forth, back and forth whenever something changed so the nurse gave us some hot blankets out of the heating oven and some pillows. We spent the night in the ICU family waiting room.  Carter woke up around 4am which woke my mom. She’s a light sleeper. She came and sat next to me. We sat in silence for a while and then I asked her what she was thinking.  We talked for about an hour. A real heart to heart.  We then went back to sleep.  I was in the middle of a dream when the nurse came in to get us. I was dreaming I was at my dad’s bedside and my mom was in the kitchen. My dad rolled over and said my name and I started yelling “mom, we got our miracle, we got our miracle mom! He’s awake!”.  I opened my eyes and the nurse was looking at me with a very compassionate, gentle look.  “you better come now” she said.  We went in and his heart rate was 30 bpm.  I grabbed his hand, started crying and the next time I looked at the monitor he was gone.  Jack Johnson’s “is this how it’s supposed to be?” was playing on the radio.  We cried, we hugged and we said our good byes again and left.  We went to the hotel, packed up as fast as we could and headed for home.  I couldn’t get out of that shit city fast enough.  I needed my husband and Cooper and my home. 

The 3 1/2 hours drive home was numbing.  The weather was shitty leaving that shitty town but the closer we got to home the sunnier it became.  Now the hard part of calling everyone and making funeral arrangements was about to begin.

On writing about the funeral on March 3, 2007:

It was a crappy day. Saturday March 3rd will now be spent at the cemetary every year. 

My mom had called me the morning of the service to decide what music we wanted playing before the service. My dad loved his music. His cd collection is full of pure 70’s rock legends. Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, AC/DC to name a few. My dad liked to rock out. Every once and a while he’d go in the basement by himself and have a few drinks while going through his cd collection with his head phones on. After a few drinks he’d start singing away at the top of his lungs. After all those years of listening to the same bands, he still never knew a single word.  It would be a slur of moans, groans and half words he’d bellow out.  We decided on “Wish you were here” by Pink Floyd, “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin, “England’s Rose” by Elton John and their wedding song.  I burned the CD, made the directions to the reception and got ready.  My good friend J came over to watch Cooper for us as it wasn’t a place I wanted to bring him to. He wouldn’t understand seeing every adult he knows crying and sad.  We got the funeral home and I was good until the service was about to start.  Everyone had gathered in the room where the service was being held and the funeral director called the paulbearers (sp?) and immediate family into the room where everyone was at first.  We gathered around in a circle holding hands and he said a prayer. That’s when just about all of us lost it to tears.  The reality of what was happening hit me so hard, it felt like I had been thrown into a brick wall going 60km a hour.  I hugged my mom and we headed into the room where the service was being held.  My dad’s casket was wheeled in first and we walked behind it, my mom holding a big picture of him.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I couldn’t even look up never mind look at the people that had come.  I flashed back to when I got married and it was him who was walking beside me, arm in mine, down the aisle. I cried during the whole ceremony. Some things the pastor said made me cry even harder.  It ended with my parents wedding song being played. We got up and walked down the aisle once again.  Again, I couldn’t look past the ground in front of my feet for I could barely see through the tears.

We drove to the cemetary where a few short words were said and we then released 53 blue balloons in to the sky.  The delivery guy was late with the balloons and while we were waiting I knelt down in front of the casket and kissed it.  When we finally did release the balloons, I wept again.  That was it. It was over. Now the grieving was in full swing.

The reception was great. A lot of laughter, good food and a lot of old friendships re-united.  Funny how funerals can bring old friends together. Even some for me.  A few friends had come that I hadn’t seen in years.  It was great to catch up even if it was under those circumstances.

I type this with tears flowing down my face and still can’t believe it. I wish so badly that this was just a fiction story I was telling. 

I miss him so much it hurts and I just hope that he is good wherever he is.  I keep thinking he’s just going to walk in the door or be on the couch waiting for us when we go to his house.  53 is far too young to go. 

I love you Dad.

Fuzzy

This Thursday will be one year to the day since my dad died.  This post is not about his death but it’s about the days and weeks after his death.  You see, they’re really fuzzy in my memory.  Carter was 6 weeks old the day my dad collapsed in the garage of a brain annuerism. It was another excruciating 16 days before we pulled the tubes. At 6 weeks after giving birth to Carter, there still wasn’t much that was right in my world.  The groove of going from a family of 3 to a family of 4 was still a new dance that we were trying so eagerly to learn. Still, things felt good.  Life was good. And then —  well not so much.  At 6 weeks, sleep was still only being had in 2-3 hour intervals (if I was lucky) and that alone could make the day seem unbearable. Never mind having the darkest black cloud constantly looming over you threatening to take a loved one away.  When I try to remember back, try to feel what I felt in those weeks after- I draw a blank.  I can remember friends and family being around a lot helping in whatever way they could (which was immense because I was barely functioning) when it was all going down but I don’t remember much after all was said and done and he was in the ground.  I don’t really remember the first … ohhhh… 3-4 months of Carter’s newborness.  That makes me sad because there really is nothing like the pureness of mothering a newborn.  I had to pretty much wear Carter until he learned how to crawl and could get around on his own. Literally- wear him. He never wanted to be down and I remember wondering if it was because he knew how sad I was and it was his way of giving me a constant, much needed hug.  I also remember wondering if I was passing my sadness onto him. I remember reading something that newborns know what they’re mom’s are feeling when they’re nursing.  I used to feel bad crying when he nursed but the tears sometimes couldn’t be stopped.  But actual memories of the day to day are not there.  Maybe as the pain continues t become more bearable they’ll resurface.  For now, I have a lot of pictures to help me remember.

All though the memories are fuzzy, I do know I had a massive amount of love and support around me and I thank and appreciate so greatfully, everyone who helped me through those raw weeks.  Not a lot of people I know, read my blog so maybe instead of typing it here, I should send notes in the mail to everyone.  Hrm……. 

Angel

hahahahahahaha—- 

How can I be evil when I look like this, mylozmom?

The next 40

Okay so my challenge was to write down 50 things I am grateful for and only did 10 so here’s some more: again in no particular order. 

11. The ability to drive and that I have a car to drive around in.

12. My house

13. My in-laws. I know I said family in my first 10 but that seems to general.  They are awesome and not many people can say that about their in-laws.

14. Cameras.  Without them, I wouldn’t have the 187,549 pictures of my kids growing up thus far.

15. Computers.  Specifically the internet. I use it DAILY and can’t imagine a day where I don’t at least check something on it.  Even on vacation we bring the laptop.

16. That I live where there are 4 seasons. All though I’m getting tired of this winter all ready- it can make it’s way along any day now.

17. My cats.  I have a hard time picturing a house without pets. I’ve always had a cat or now two.

18. That there are still good, honest people in this world. As long as there’s a few to mentor us, I think humanity will do just fine.

19. My friend,  Mylozmom  and all my other friends.

20. Music.  This should be on everyone’s list!

21. I can read. 

22. Nature.  There’s nothing like watching a bud pop up in Spring and watch it grow into something beautiful.

23. TV. Yes, I am grateful for tv.  That seems wrong but a lot of educational and funny stuff comes out of that thing.

24. The ability to write.

25. The postal system.  I LOVE getting mail.  I hardly get any, but when I do, it makes my day.

Hrmm…. half way there. I’ll have to go think about the next 25.

I think everyone should do this too.  Consider it a tagging and if you’ve read this- you’ve been tagged.  50 things you are grateful for- GO.  (Oh and leave me a comment telling me you’ve done it so I can sneak a peek at yours )

I’ve been tagged

1. Drink you had – Coffee.2. Thing you ate – Chocolate.

3. Movie you saw - Ocean 13 on the weekend

4. Person you e-mailed – Hubby about dinner reservations.

 5. Person you talked to – Mother in law.

6. TV show you watched (live) – Hrm….   Barney

7. TV show you watched tivoed (Sky+ or video count too, I guess!) – Lost

8. Book you finished -  I’ll have to get back to you with the title

9. Music you listened to – Pearl Jam in the car

10. Money you spent – Walmart buying plastic tubs to put my food in.

Dig Deep

I said this was going to be my year. The year I focus on making me better. And by better I mean a better me. A healthier me. A happier me. More true to myself me. 

Let me tell you it’s hard to work on your inner self when so much crap seems to pop up in daily life that NEEDS your attention. Basement flooding, maggot infestion in the pantry, 2 kids, etc etc. 

But every day I’m digging deep. Or trying to.  ANd let me tell you the crap this drudges up within yourself that you thought you had so neatly tucked away on that shelf in the back corner in the room of things to deal with in your life.  It’s utter shit but good. Good that I’m bringing it to the surface to feel it, whether it’s good or bad. And to be honest, it’s really only the bad we tuck away on that back shelf to never be dealt with again right? 

So this statement hit me like a ton of bricks when I read it yesterday. Yesterday being a day where hubby and I rubbed each other the wrong way.  The day being where I was in tears crying after I put the boys down for their nap. THe day that our government made it a stat holiday and called it “family day”.  Family day my ass!  And we had a good laugh about it at the end of the day which is always good to do after a bad day.  It’s one thing I love about hubby and I- we are able to laugh with eachother, at eachother on our most worst days.

The weird thing is, is that it wasn’t a bad day by most considerations. The boys were pretty good and I had a lot of fun with them hanging out, playing.  My frustration was in (when I later analyzed it after the tears, which really is the only time honesty is able to come for me) my expectations of hubby yesterday. I was getting so caught up in thoughts of what he wasn’t doing and giving no credit to all he had done all ready.  WHy do I do this? It’s ridiculous really, because he has no idea that I have these out of the blue exectations. Well maybe he does because he knows me that well but, what is it in me that drives me to do that? I think it’s an easy way to not have to deal with the inner shit. In your head,  blame someone else for something and then you don;t have to deal with those ugly feelings. 

RIght onto the quote all ready- , I was reading an aricle and these words jumped out from the page and smaked me in the face “When I need a real, arms-wrapped-around-me-hug, I go to someone that does that. I stopped getting disapointed by my expectations from non-huggers”. (this is from Chandra Wilon’s AHA Moment in Oprah magazine talking about her mom). The literal statement itself is not what hits home because when I need a real arms-wrapped-me-hug, it is hubby that I turn to but the premiss that we have different people in our life that we get different things from.  My frustration wasn’t truly in that he wasn’t up stairs playing with us in that exact moment because he was playing with us just moments before that. He had even brought me a new coffee to try. It was really at myself, and the inner challenge I have sometimes of being a mom at her fullest potential. THe best mom I can be. It has nothing to do with him, yet he’s the one to get the brunt of it. 

In the journey of making this my year, is the work of not putting all of my eggs in one basket. For me that basket is my family. I have to tell myself constanlty that in order to be my best, I have to experience life in more ways than just as a mom. I got caught up in the thought that my kids are the truest reflection of me which is not true. In order for me to recharge my batteries, to keep the pep in my step, and to just down right keep my sanity- I have to get out and do more things without the kids. EVen if it’s just a trip to the mall after they’re in bed. 

A book I bought today “The Greatness Guide” challenges you to make a list of 50 things you are grateful for. 50!  Here’s the start of my list in no particular order:

1. My health

2. My kids

3. My marriage

4. My life as it is right now

5. HAving had an awesome dad growing up even with all his frustrating “faults”.

6. Being part of such a big family.  It feels great to know that I am one of something sooooo much bigger.

7. That I have all 5 senses.

8. I have hot running water

9. I live in a democracy

10. THat I care enough to want to change the bad stuff.  Big and small.

Wow- that’s only 10 and I allready hit some big ones there.  I’ll have to think about the other 40. 

Relaxed

I just signed up for this class:

“This practice combines the natural high of stretching with the endorphin high of eating chocolate to facilitate relaxation, health and happiness. Savour raw organic cacao beans, one of nature’s most nutrient rich and complex superfoods, during your yoga practice.”

Don’t feel more relaxed just reading that?   

Chocolate. Yoga.  I. can’t. wait.

Lyrics

I was going through some of my favorite songs for my facebook profile and came across this one. I listen to almost everyday in my car.

Oh- by Dave Matthews

The world is blowing up
The world is caving in
The world has lost her way again
But you are here with me
But you are here with me
Makes it ok

I hear you still talk to me
As if you’re sitting in that dusty chair
Makes the hours easier to bear
I know despite the years alone
I’ll always listen to you sing your sweet song
And if it’s all the same to you

I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven, overflow, and fill hell
Love you oh so well

And it’s cold and darkness falls
It’s as if you’re in the next room so alive
I could swear I hear you singing to me

I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven, overflow, and fill hell

The world is blowing up
The world is caving in
The world has lost her way again
But you are here with me
But you are here with me
Makes it ok

Oh you’re singing to me still
I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell
Love you oh so well

And to hear the song go here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWH9yGEitiE

Awesome

Happy Valentine’s Day

At the store this morning, I got a laugh at how many men were at the counter for $5 dollar bouqets. 

Hubby and I don’t really do Valentine’s Day. We said happy valentine this morning at breakfast to Cooper and that’s the end of it.  To me, it’s just another day. The most meaningful “I love you’s” come when you’re least expecting them.

What did brighten my day today is that I’m getting new carpet upstairs.  I have been wanting to replace the carpet that’s up there since the day we moved in (it’s the original carpet and the house is now about 16yrs old).  But, we said, we’d wait until the babies are out of the pukey stage.  Well, we’re on thhfence about a third child and Carter’s pretty much out of the pukey stage so … new carpet for me. YEAH!!

Carter is officially weaned.  H’s also popping teeth and has a sinus infection so he’s having a bit of a tough week. But his sleep is improving and that makes me a rested, happy momma.

Hope everyone has a great day today. Not because it’s Valentine’s Day but jsut becasue .